Surviving Myself: Brandon, Kingsley, Leo and Me.

Quote by Randy Pausch.

Mr, Brown?  Mr.Brown are you ready? It was time to for a radio interview. This day had been planned for weeks.

 I had studied the questions, got to know the stations programs. I was ready. At least I thought I was. I looked at myself in the mirror for one last touch up. Make-up done? Check. Hair done? Check. Out fit loose but flattering in all the right places? Check.

It was while looking in that mirror that everything, hit me. Though I looked good, my career despite it's highs and lows was faring well.  I had friends and a very supportive family around me. I even had a man who loved every inch of my crazy. I couldn't be happier.  What was this feeling that I just couldn't shake? 

"Could you give me three minutes? I feel like I'm forgetting something." I said to the sweet but slightly annoying assistant.   "Sure." She said.  As she quietly stepped away.  As I sat in the chair trying to figure out what this feeling was. All of sudden, I heard a voice whisper in a faint cry. "What about me? "

Now, hearing voices is nothing new to me. I'm clairaudient after all. However, this voice shook me to my core. It sounded like a child and adolescent rolled into one. Behind it's faintness there was a power and bravery that I had never experienced before. My eyes slowly started to fill with tears. 

Me as a baby. Little Brandy.

In that moment I realized that voice though small was me. With all the traveling, business deals, interviews and magazine covers. I had forgotten someone. I had forgotten me.  I allowed several tears to fall. I slowly composed myself and made my way to the studio. As I was walking the voice in my head became louder. "WHAT ABOUT ME!?  As I sat down and prepared to put the headphones on my head. I couldn't focus. 

The intro music started and the host gave her introductions.  Suddenly I snapped into focus "and here we have the fabulous Leo Brown!" the host said.  "Or should we call you something else?" the host asked.  I froze.

 Suddenly a voice took over my throat. "My name isn't Leo."  I said.  A look of shock came over the host face. "It's not?" She asked.   I slowly took a deep breath. "Nope, it's just a
stage name."

"Oh, okay. Well, what should I call you?"  (Fade to black.) This has never taken place. 

Well, not in that way. The truth is that underneath my happy face, makeup and fabulousness I have forgotten me. Well, not forgotten more like separated from. In some cases I have run away. 

In many circles. I'm known by different names. Some people call me Brandon. Some call me Kingsley and Some call me Leo. Truth be told, I like em' all. However, with each new name I gave myself or was called by. I felt as if I had to throw the old me away. In order to make way for something or in some cases someone new. 

To me, the old me represented childhood and childish things. I figured once you hit 21. Your childhood was over. It was time to "grow up." (A term I hate to say though I do) So as I became older I threw away my silly and focused on my serious.  

Take for instance, my family of origin. If you know me then you know that my mother, sister and I do not get along. Our relationship has become one of tolerance. Because of  this, my uncles, aunts and cousins have had to pay the price for our dysfunction. Recently, my cousins hit me up on social media. 

When it happened my first instinct was to fight them. That's been my instinct when comes to most things in my life. (All my life I had to fight!)  Then in a flash memories of our sleepovers, hours of laughter and dance contests came into my mind. Turning away from them wasn't easy. With my mom and sister, closing the emotional door to me. I ran away. I didn't want to but I had to.  

At that time in my life. (I was in my late 20's) I said to myself: "Fuck em' if you can't deal with me."  I threw everything about that part of my life and myself away. As I looked at the messages from them telling me how much they missed me. I burst into tears. Of course, I know that you can't go home again and things never remain the same. 

Although, I'd be lying if I couldn't admit that I don't miss them. I miss them. Everyday I miss them. In that moment. I said goodbye to Brandon Kingsley and allowed my work persona to take over. Enter The Fabulous Leo Brown. 

Psychic Medium/Life Coach Leo Brown.

With Leo Brown taking control. I would be everything I thought I was not. Glamorous, educated, spiritual and sensual. I would travel the country doing radio shows, television interviews and gracing magazine covers. All the while, forgetting that while I answer to Leo. Leo is not a separate entity. Brandon Kingsley and Leo Brown are one in the same. I just choose for a long time to hide under my stage name. Though the mask gets heavy at times, you become used to it.  I thought that because I was Leo Brown. 

I had to be "on" all the time. Which meant I was always professional. Always right. Always "In tune" and always, always the diva.  

Because of this, I've ruined friendships, made unrealistic demands on myself and others and pushed people away.  I sometimes think that when people see me. They see "The Psychic Medium/Life Coach" In other words, they see me for the work and not for who I am. For instance, this occurred in a friendship that I take full responsibility for in a word fucking up.  

I met Gladys Dupree in 2015. A striking person with the most beautiful smile. We instantly connected. As we were both in the same business. As our friendship grew things became more personal.  I started to push him away. The final nail in the coffin was on an unforgettable day. 

The day of musician that the purple one himself Prince made his transition. Gladys goes on to tell me of a paranormal experience that happened between he and the purple majesty. Instead of cheering him on.  I went on a rant of telling him how I felt it was disrespectful to say/share such things. Was it the right thing to say? Nope! Why? Because in that moment I shut him down and pushed him out. 

Let me hip you to a small piece of game. When a person has a gift that you may not have, support them, don't shit on them.  Since then, though I have called and left messages. We haven't talked since.  Which I understand. I wouldn't talk with me either. The only thing I can do and will continue to do is wish him nothing but love and success. Cause' lord knows he deserves it.  

I'm tired. Tired of hiding. Tried of pushing people away. Which means that from this day onward. I'm slowly allowing my walls to come down. In every sense of the word. I realize the only person who I've been running from is myself. That stops today.  

Completely Me: Brandon Kingsley Brown
aka Leo Brown. 

So if one day, you hop on instagram and see a bitch naked, don't say I didn't give you fair warning. I'm professional, spiritual, sexy, sensual  and little ratchet. It's called uniqueness people! Get into it.

Love, Leo Brown :)