Chasing A Cloudy Rainbow.

Hey Cubbers!

How are you? I hope well. The subject that I'm about to write about is something that I've been going back and forth with in my head for awhile.

It's my goal to help you become empowered. With empowerment comes vulnerability. So I'm going to talk about a period in my life where I was young, dumb and a bad judge of character. (Hey, it happens to everyone.)

I'm going to talk about a man who not until recently made me do some inner work within myself. Which lead me to confront my demons.

I'm not going to mention his name. I will mention the lessons that I learned and what my experience with him taught me.  So here goes. The person that graced himself into my life was a man I'll call Lex. I met him through my best friend with whom he worked with.

Okay, this guy is cuter but I just wanted to give
you guys a visual.

The first time I met Lex I'll admit I thought he was cute. Kinda like Jack Black but better looking with piercing blue eyes. Lex and I hit it off and became friends. We didn't see each other often but if there was a party that my friends throw he'd show up.

As time went on we would hang out, have a few drinks,talk into the early morning hours and one thing would lead to another and we'd kiss, touch and experiment with each other. Sounds great right?

There was only one actually, two problems. He was straight, I was gay. He wasn't into me as I was into him. In my head as we kissed. (he was a great kisser.) I saw or wanted to see that we and would have a life together.

That he would admit to himself and embrace the passionate feelings that he displayed when we were together. We would then live happily ever after. That never happened and I'm grateful for it because, I now realize that Lex and I were not only on different paths but we were different people.

I wanted a relationship, not just a fling. (I'll admit, I'm a hopeless romantic.) On top of that whenever we did hookup Lex was drunk. This was something that I ignored every time I saw him.

Lex was simply experimenting and drunk. Meanwhile, I 'm still hoping that we were going to have a deep,passionate connection. With Lex I was able to let my guard down which for someone like me is  not easy feat.

It was one of the first times that I allowed myself to connect to someone. Whenever Lex would sleep off his hangover and not return the affection that I had given him, I would be devastated. I thought that he really cared for me and now looking back at it I realize that he did just not in that way.

Over the next couple of months, Lex and I became closer. He told me that he hated phones and liked letters instead, so he and I would write each other. I thought it was so romantic, hearing from him via letter.

Once the tears have dried you'll be grateful.
I promise. 

In our letters we would just talk about what was going on in our lives. Sometimes he wrote me back, sometimes he didn't.  After my fifth letter, I came to the realization that he and I were friends nothing more.  The “love” that I wanted and “gave” to him would never be returned.

In my last letter, I told him how I felt about him, but more importantly. I told him that I was happy to be his friend. Even though it was painful, I was happy to walk away my illusion. Because it taught me to love myself instead of chasing someone that didn't want to be chased in the first place.

There comes a time when you have to stop and realize that you are chasing something or someone that doesn't want or need to be chased.

Is it fun and exciting to chase something that is unwanted? Of course it is.  On the other hand it's sad because it says that you're placing value on the person you're chasing, not yourself. Think about it.

You have a person who is involved with an already attached person and even though you know in your heart of hearts that this isn't a healthy for you or them you go along with it.

Sure, they'll tell you that they're going to leave their spouse or you'll go along with anything the person you're into because you like the way they make you “feel”.

Fast forward a couple of months or for some years later. What the person who is “love” with the person they're chasing wants from the other person never happens.

You keep begin strung along and in the end you're stuck with two options either walk away with your dignity and pride or keep chasing this person because either you're stuck in it or you hope that someday, one day things will change.

We've all done this, but you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Or are you chasing a cloudy rainbow? You decide.



Love, Leo Brown :)