Embracing My Oshun/Aphrodite~Why I LOVE Begin Feminine.

I am a feminine man. I know, know it's hard to see because in the words of Madtv's Ms. Swan "I look like a man." For many, many years. I hated everything to do with the divine feminine that was within me. Because I was taught that for me begin feminine was weak, wrong and not to be messed with.

In both of the of the black and gay communities. There is a lot of shaming. Across the board. It doesn't matter if it is masculine, fat, fem, black, white, top or bottom. Shaming within our communities happen. Because of the sometimes mixed messages received within our community.

I felt as if I had to choose between the two polarities that live within not only me but within everyone. Even as I was growing up I always related to the experiences of a woman or saw myself in the women around me. Which was often times met with dirty looks or the you need Jesus talk. In my growing up, I was taught that if you weren't a masculine or didn't like fuckin' wit hoes, smoking weed or sports.

I didn't want to do the things that typical men did. I wanted to play with dolls, do Diana Ross impersonations and have long, flowing hair. Which I did in high school.   Sports and trash talking just didn't fit me. Even now whenever I walk into a barber shop. I always get a little scared. I think to myself "Bitch, don't runway walk too fast in here!" Or "Why did you wear those jeans? Ain't no trade in here!" 

Because I knew that at any given minute. My fem side was either come falling out of my mouth with a "Hello." or my hands as it's perfecting it's Shirley Bassey mannerisms or going to somehow blow my cover.

Even as I came into goddess worship and paganism. It was still hard to embrace that not only begin feminine was okay but apart of who I was. I'm not gonna lie. There was apart of me that wanted to blend in. I wanted a deep, bass voice, rippling muscles and to be rough and rugged. Now am I hairy? Somewhat. Do I have muscles? Hmm, if I workout a lot and I mean A LOT. Bass Voice? Forget it. Rough and Rugged? Chile' no. The only thing I like rough is my chicken and rugged. Does a blanket count?

It has taken me years to embrace that if you want a straight acting guy and there's nothing wrong with wanting a man like that but if you're looking for that guy within me you won't find it. How did I embrace my femininity you ask? Simple. I met Oshun/Aphrodite and all the other goddesses of love and nature.

Through my meetings with them they taught me that's okay to be just me. So what if I wore makeup, high heel boots, lashes and things of that nature others did too. I didn't have to choose. I just had to admit and embrace that this was part of me and that the things I wore were just that. Things. I am still a man. I am not less of a man if anything I am more of a man. Simply because I am the things I once was not. I am confident, comfortable and complete with me.

That's not to say that I don't or haven't embraced my masculinity. Quite the contrary, I have but not in what society has told us what masculinity is. I embrace my maleness in things like business, career and of course sexual prowess. What I'm learning is femininity and masculinity are nothing to be ashamed of. They are to be celebrated because you cannot have one without the other.

I AM SHE AND SHE IS ME! I AM HE AND HE IS ME!  Together we are one. So mote it be!

Love, Leo Brown :)