That one time... I tried to turn nothing into something over and over and over.
We've all done it. Met someone, felt a “deep connection” say you're going to take things slow but in your head you're already picking out china and making the seating arrangements for the wedding of all weddings that is going to take place in two years max. In my dating/love life. I always attracted men who looked the part (or I convinced myself they were fine but that's for another post.) said the right things but once I got past all that. Turns out they weren't shit, didn't have shit and didn't want shit.
In other words emotionally or physically unavailable. Sure, they wanted to fuck but that was it; and before I go all innocent on you. I wanted the “D” too but I was just too “moral” and “upstanding” to say it.
You see, I'm what you'd call a caregiver/caretaker. I want to take care of people and feel worthless if I'm not doing it. Because of this; I and others like me tend to get taken advantage of. We give and give and get nothing in return but low self worth/esteem and a broken heart. In my case, you name it, I've done it.
Everything from buying birthday cakes, spending hours on planes, trains and crowded, smelly buses to meet the man in question. To helping that “special” guy pay his bills. Without asking or demanding anything from the person in return. Was this dumb? Hell yeah, it was/is! Was I trying to buy a man's attention and affection? Um, in the words of Trey Songz Yup!
This pattern has popped up in my life 5 times. No, make that 6 times since I started dating in my early 20's and by dating; I mean suckin' a mean pipe cause the bastard bought me a cheeseburger (don't judge me bitch) I'm slowly starting to realize that if this pattern is constantly popping up in my life, it's either trying to tell me something or likes to piss me off.
I'll go with the latter. It always goes like this: Boy meets boy, we talk/text for months/days/nights on end. We might even sext or have a phone bone session or five (before you get out your moral compasses; I politely ask you to check your phones.) meet in person, have very mediocre sex and once that deed is done.
The list of things that the person of my fancy wants, needs, desires to have makes it's way forward. Now, don't get me wrong I didn't just hand over my wallet. They'd ask. Isn't that nice? It would always start with “Could you... and end with You don't have to do this” oh mothafucka, yes I do and you know it. Or else you wouldn’t ask me.
Why did I/do I do this? Simple. I'm a needy bitch. That's right, I need attention and affection. A crazy bitch like me will process the texts/calls/skypes into “this person really cares about me.” When in reality that care for me but either in one of two ways. 1. As a friend or good judy. 2. A piece of bomb ass; and yes bitch, it is bomb!) most of the times it's number 2. Now, I know I'm sexy and all but damn man, really?! Can't you respect me, not to mention yourself at least a little bit? Oh you can't, I see.
Even though I would love to put all the blame and blast on them. Sadly. I can't. I'm realizing that I'm responsible for my part of the fuckery too. I should've said no. I should've been a man about it and once I peeped out the game. I should've cut that shit out right from the top. However, my emotionally needy ass allows it to not only start but kept it going. What the fuck was I/been drinking/smoking/sniffing I don't know.
See, my thinking was/is in the words of Bernadine from waiting to exhale :“If I gave him what he needed, he'd give me what I needed.” Oh, I gave them what they needed alright. All of my time, attention, affection and most of all money; and you know a diva like me doesn't play bout' his dollars.
Well, today what starts for me is. I will no longer allow myself to be treated this way again. Cause quite frankly, a bitch is tried. Tried of falling for the bullshit, pretty faces, big dicks and words that even they cannot pronounce. Instead of falling for it. I'm choosing to listen. If you tell me after I've taken a 13 hour ride to see you; but you have no intentions of doing the same for me. You're either going in two places 1. The trash bin or 2.The delete list.
That's not to say that I'm done with dating. Nope. I'm going to start the process of getting better instead of turning bitter. Is this going to be easy? No! We're all works in progress and process. (Inside and out) However, starting today, I'm turning the camera back onto the person that it should've been on in the first place. Me.
Love, Leo Brown :)
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